Make me a man who will always want to hold me, just for the sake of holding me. A man who will hold me close in the mornings just to be close to my skin and to smell my hair. Someone than will appriciate me for who i am and all that i do. A boy that will never hear a bad word said against me, inless he says it himself in anger. A guy that will be so loyal that everything that comes with loyalty wouldnt even be an issue. Somebody to show me affection even when its uncalled for. A male that will show kindness and hes warm hearted, friendly nature to everyone. A person to love me just so much and still be just as in love with me after 10, 20, 30 years. Fair, kind, warm, cuddley, protective, loveable, honorable, wonderful. Some person to take my hand, and understand, that hes my perfect man.
wow, im bk here again cos everything always comes bk to LJ. Its comforting really. I can rely on LJ. We love LJ. All hail LJ.
So i have been doing alot of growning up this past year, more than other years it seems anyway. I think i may deal with things easyer whereas a couple of years ago i would just go crazy, teenage style. Theres deffinatly some changes in me. Things are more thought about, like life and settling down seem more close than ever, not that i would settle down now, or soon, but they just seem a bit more serious now. Not so far off as they were which makes sence i guess.
But, I still live in the moment, like recently I have not been sleeping so well, I have had alot to think about and things to deal with, I have managed to keep ontop of the situations right now though, its just if it gets on of my hands. Its all to do with love, friendship and relationships and passion in general, of course, what else would be worth writing so much about. Indeed, this journal has not really been about anyhting else. ;)
passed my driving test in november! woo hoo and im driving russ's car around now all the time.
its now 2008
reselotions- swimming- be more heathy. maybe ring the number of the haslemere players-which has been sitting on my desk the past year. do more things i have been meaning to do- which covers everything really
passed my theory test yesterday! woot, didnt think i would but i did. go me
drove to selsey near chichester last night and back in russels car. did quite well really. forgot a few intications but generally went well with everything else, it was dark and rainy too and i was on my own cos russel fell asleep on the way bk. did ok i think.
anyway i have nothing else really to talk about. at the mo anyway.
oh firstly russell is a name that will start comming up so you will have to learn who he is. hes....hes a barman that i met. thats who he is, i guess. hmm
so ok russell picked me up in his car and i sometimes practice driving in his car so we went somewhere quite quiet, and his clutch, i said clutch, is so wierd and sensitive that i have some trouble with it, occationally like once i burnt it out at some trafficlights, the trouble is he starts yellingish at me then i get anoyed cos im under more pressure and then get mad at him so i start driving faster just to piss him off and then he gets scared. but anyway its lots of fun.
anyway last night i drove around for a while, like up polecat? around there and up to the gibet the bk way. went down a scary bumpy road and there was only one scary house at the bottom and a twentysomething guy in a landrover drove up past us, russell talk to him asking him how we get bk out again, afterward russ was saying it was a bit like a horror movie, i said serial killers arnt that fit, haha that didnt go down well, i was only joking!
anyway when i was driving bk, we saw a bird on the road and russell had to get out and pick it up cos its wing was grossed up cos it had been hit, brought it in the car and said ok u will have to drive, i dont ever really drive in a car with no duel control in large traffic areas, anyway i said ok lets ok to the vets, so we went, they didnt answer, russ let the bird go in the garden, i had to drive home cos he didnt want to touch anything in his car, but i had parked really badly due to russell yelling at me to pull over suddenly on a high curb, grr, im sure this isnt how he will tell the story btw. anyway the bit point is, i love random happening like this! alot of random happening have happened with russell, i think its alot to do with the freedom you have with a car too. you can just go off whereever whenever. i need to pass my test. i have my theory coming up in two weeks. anyway im having fun atm, amonst the depressing stuff- lj entry was going so well too, without any drpressing stuff, now it needs to lighten up again.
soooo anyway, i have realised that this journal is way to depressing, not as depressing as it used to be, but it needs to lighten up still. i love lj, way more than myspace and facebook even though noone goes on it anymore! welll im going to start writing on here again! maha!
not that i have anything to say right now...
its so anoying how you cant really say what u want to say anyway on lj cos theres always some people you want to read it, some poeple you dont mind reading it, and some people you never want reading it.
i havent really been anywhere but im back doing this, forget facebook and myspace cos this is where it all started, live journal when i was 15, i have had about 5 acounts all together, only remember 3, i saw one of my old ones recently, i was 15 and first talked about love, someone fell in love with me for the first time and i had never felt anything like the mixture of powerful feelings until that point in year 10, everything changed. my decitions in that year knocked my down so far i thought nothing would ever be better again, but it just made me stonger and much more confident to fight for anything i wanted or belived in, i took my old ljs off secret and put it to public cos it doesnt matter anymore, i dont regret anything, everything that has happened only made things better nowerdays, and made me more confident about the right decitions, though i have had some more drawbacks but have overcome them to be happy now with my wonderful boyfriend. and anyone that made my life unhappy in the past well, screw the lot of you. being 15 was hard enough witout you pushing me down all the time, but only now i dont care as much, i wish i could go bk and stand up for myself more but who has any confidence when their 15, uncool and thought to be gay? just needed to be said cos i have never said it before, and my old ljs reminded me
and in true lj style this entry makes no sence to anyone else....
nowerdays i rarely get really down, i have thoughtful moments and deep emotions but whenever i do feel down i dont sometimes have any reason for it at all, sometimes all i feel is a big absence as though im without something. But all i am without is the great weight that was once on my shoulders. so its not that im really down, more that im senceing that loss, or because things are so different, i certainly like this change, and im not even one that does like change in general.
but i find myself, not incompleate thats not the right word, but like theres a loss, not a loss exactly but something i want to make right, as though i was bring balance to something- without sounding like a jedi. something i need to equal out or fight or let go.
tonight i went through one of my draws, it is there for memorys and unwanted items, although u usally chuck these out i couldnt, until tonight, some of these things have been stored in there for years, some only for months but everythings gone, all 115 letters/notes, and a few items, they used to be covered over with a cloth, hidden, i even put a rubber snake on top of the pile as though to mark it as a no go zone, evil, poisoned. At least the draw feel lighter.
this feeling is as though i want to take back whats mine, or fight something or stand up for myself, or finally shake something off. dont get me wrong im so happy now, but i need to rid myself of this manifestation before i can just be. its as though the pain has gone and the feelings with it, but the perminate scare is the thing that i know have to deal with as if i want to argue and fight get vengence on something.....
just got home from work well just before that nice healthy salad i ate.....*whispers* and the sausage sandwich.
now im sooo tired...i worked 8 HOURS....IN a ROW, cos i have two job one after another, silly me.
been brosing e-bay today, tis cool, i actually maneged to get signed up and my card finally worked for the first time ever. woo
i dunno if i have said that i work in a pub now....tis cool, i dont even mind the old or drunk or regular or desperate men that stare at my arse... work has its good parts like tonight, we are closing for a weekish so we had to drink all the open bottles of wine after work, and theres about 15 type of wine , hehehheee i only had half a glass of the pritty pink coloured one though cos i im so tired and didnt want a headache....still cool though. the downside to this job is i come home stinking of smoke, getting quite worried about how much i breath in. hateful.
im sleeeeeepy, need sleeeeeeep. im going out on monday night with all my co workers, apparently they go out every so oftern and gettt compleatly smashed, everyone even the maneger, and there all really fun and youthful. could be fun. i dunno if i want to be drunk. anyway gtg sleep now xxxx
this night sucks, feeling down anyway lately but tonight i should feel i have missed out unessesaraly on meeting up with friends and actually smiling.
instead im here at home trying to find something to do, getting hung up on and feeling very down, im also listening to "its the end of the world as we know it" which fits this scene perfetly....
my cat cheered me up for a while, woo for meggy. cats are much better off, im comming back as a cat.
i have had this twitch on my eyelid for four days now. dunno why, lack of sleep?
got a new job in weatherspoons, wooo, i love getting drinks for people as long as i know what they are, i keep having to ask questions, working the till is the worst bit, plus the shifts are long, 6pm-1am.
A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia. A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one. A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions. You scored better than half in Nerd and Geek, earning you the title of: Modern, Cool Nerd.
Nerds didn't use to be cool, but in the 90's that all changed. It used to be that, if you were a computer expert, you had to wear plaid or a pocket protector or suspenders or something that announced to the world that you couldn't quite fit in. Not anymore. Now, the intelligent and geeky have eked out for themselves a modicum of respect at the very least, and "geek is chic." The Modern, Cool Nerd is intelligent, knowledgable and always the person to call in a crisis (needing computer advice/an arcane bit of trivia knowledge). They are the one you want as your lifeline in Who Wants to Be a Millionaire (or the one up there, winning the million bucks)!
Also, you might want to check out some of my other tests if you're interested in any of the following:
<tr> <td align="middle">Jack* You scored 83% kindness, 43% courage, 28% seedy past, and 51% secretiveness! </td></tr> <tr> <td>
"Three days ago, we all died. We should all be able to start over."
You are Jack. You are compassionate, heroic, and a bit of a martyr. You are brave and a natural leader. However, you shouldn't keep so much bottled up inside. You are so busy taking care of others that you have no time or energy to take care of yourself. Take a load off once in a while and play some golf with Hurley. You need to relax pretty soon or else you'll be no good for anyone anymore - including yourself!
Your polar opposite is:Shannon. You are similar to:Sayid and Boone. </td></tr> <tr> <td align="middle"> </td></tr></tbody></table>
My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
ok enough about emoition and stuff, lets move onto
it is comming, soon, ish
are u prepared?
i started my christmas shopping the other day. im going to be preparded this year.
so i have been thinking about how much i love christmas shopping in guildford
the chistmas music, and hundreds of shopping bags that ur so happy with, the picking gifts out, the bargin buys that are still great gift, and as it starts to get dark the lights come on and the stolls come out with the roasted chestnuts to warm your hands and the packs of hot ten donuts. and u walk down the street that looks like something out of hogsmead (harry potter) wearing you new brightly colours scarf, gloves and hats feeling like u have a cheved something even if u havent finished all ur shopping. :D
anyway, my thoughts this year are LONDON, christmas shopping in the lovely shops, with the lovely decorations, with the lovely music, and everything sparkles, oooooooo and the ice skating wearing the gloves and scarf and funny hats under the purrrty lights, and what if it started snowing! HEVENLY! it would be like seredipity or iceskating in central park- which i have done mahah
am im dragging some of u people with me, even if i am hipper and excited and squieling at all the spakly things, so, who will come with me?!
a good friend of mine send this to me in an e-mail, i thought made some good points to think about and its a really good read....it was sent to me, but aplys to us all, read it, and ask yourself if u do enough
Have you ever wondered which hurts the most? Saying something and wishing you hadn't? Or Saying nothing and wishing you had?
I guess the most important things are the hardest things to say. Don't be afraid to tell someone you love them. If you do, they might break your heart...if you don't, you might break theirs.
Have u ever decided not 2 become a couple because you were so afraid of losing what you already had with that person?
Your heart decides whom it likes and whom it doesn't. You can't tell your heart what to do. It does it on its own........when you least suspect it, or even when you don't want it to.
Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had, but that other person was too afraid to let you?
Too many of us stay walled up because we are too afraid to care too much...for fear that the other person does not care as much, or even at all.
Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection was too hard to handle?
We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing we fear grows stronger.
Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump.
Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have done, or could have had.
*What would you do if every time you fell in love you had to say good-bye?
*What would you do if every time you wanted someone they would never be there?
*What would you do if your best friend died tomorrow and you never got to tell them how you felt?
*What would you do if you loved someone more than ever and you couldn't have them?
*What would you do if you never got the chance to say I am friends with all of my family and they know I love them?
People live, but people die. I want to tell you that you are a friend.
If you died tomorrow (God Forbid)
You would be in my heart. Would I be in yours?
You might be best friends one year, pretty good friends the next year, don't talk that often the next, and don't want to talk at all the year after that.
So, I just wanted to say, even if I never talk to you again in my life, you are special to me and you have made a difference in my life
I look up to you, respect you, truly cherish you , most of all I CARE about friends
Let old friends know you haven't forgotten them, and tell new friends you never will.
Remember, everyone needs a friend someday you might feel like you have NO FRIENDS at all, just remember this e-mail and takecomfort in knowing somebody out there cares about you and .. always will..
Like a fire, you are full of power and light. A born leader, you easily draw people toward you. You are full of courage and usually up for anything dangerous. You have a huge ego and love to be the center of attention.